Match Report

Old Bromleians v AFC Fulham Belles 11 September 2011 Guess who's back......back again.......it's the league with the catchiest acronym in the land....forget your PLs, your SPLs it's the GLWLD1S - woo hoo!! Yes just like that member of your extended family that you don't care for very much, the annoying one with the poor table manners and questionable personal hygiene, the football season is back even though it only seemed like yesterday that you gave it a reluctant hug and said 'see you next year.' The pre season period has been a turbulent time. Untimely injuries to Gil Gonzalez Wong, and Kate 'a'm yorkshire me' Greenwood have meant the Belles have been a little lacking in resources. This writer isn't one for stereotypes, but Wong did her wrist doing kung fu and Greenwood fell over her bicycle while pushing it up a cobbled hill after picking up the family loaf. Speedy recovery guys!!! However following some canny transfer Market wheeling and dealing the Belles have made some brilliant acquisitions. Phoebe Robins comes in from Australia and is making speedy progress getting to grips with the language. Dionne 'kinky d' Baillie joins us from Norf London and again, is beginning to put together basic sentence structures. ha only joking we love you other side of the Thames! Unfortunately the will-she-won't the transfer saga involving Fulham's brazilian want-away star striker La la Lara Edwardhino and her proposed move to Sao boca santos steeldrums fc has overshadowed the pre season preparations. However in a show of manly machismo and authority Rob 'levy' Moore has sat down the talented forward and told her she is going nowhere. So she is leaving in mid-October. Oh well let's make the most of it while it lasts. So Sunday saw the Belles travel down to leafy Kent, more specifically Petts Wood. Not so much the garden of England as the paved over courtyard of england with miscellellaneous unused children's toys strewn all over it. Still its good to get out of the big smoke once in a while as you always experience something new. Like paying a taxi driver to direct yourself to your destination. Refreshing and new. The 7 intrepid members of the team had never been to this particular ground, but had expressed their reservations when their chaperone declared that they had arrived while pulling over in a small residential cul de sac. Although initially cowering at the sight of Mel's iPhone 4 and sinking down to his knees to worship this strange technology the driver eventually followed the Belles helpful directions and eventually found the ground - yes! So here was scrubs farm (was it just the writer who was humming tlc all day?) and what a glorious day it was. Everyone was a bit confused....football.....sun? Que? So after a brief warm up the game was underway. An assured start saw plenty of Belles pressure and only the final ball was lacking. The back line looked solid as Emily tracked back well, michelle and Leah made good runs forward, marshalled expertly by Steph 'rio' Pelling. Great running in the middle by Filipa and Sara allowed Ghalia and Phoebe to get forwards and link well with Lara and Dionne. And then the breakthrough happened. A brilliant bit of individual skill saw ze Edwards flick the ball past the hapless defender and stroke the ball into the roof of the net. A truly great goal. One heart in mouth moment saw the opposition strike the post only for the ball to bounce into the grateful arms of martha gomes mordecai. Another one saw Pelling inexplicably apttempt to head back an ankle height ball to the keeper with all the finesse of a landed carp. However the Belles held onto their lead as they went in at half time. Second half and the Belles were looking slightly tense. OB's capitalised and after some slick passing passed the ball into the net.1-1. Uh oh. Kick off from the centre and within 60 seconds the Belles were back in front. After an inexplicable 7 girl pile up in the box, Edwardhino muscled her way through to put the ball in the back of the net. What a Response. From then on it was all Belles. The victory was sealed when after good work from Di and Lara, Ghalia danced through several challenges and executed a composed finish into the bottom corner of the net. So a good day at the office for the Belles and a great start to the season. Thanks to OBs for being great hosts and we look forward to the first home match of the season v Hampton Richmond this sunday at the home of football, urm old Alleynes on Burbage Road. See you there! Fulham v Regent Park Rangers Clapham Common AFC Fulham faced a stern test this last week with a return fixture against the formidable Regents Park Rangers. For the avoidance of doubt, they were not clad in spandex and are not in any way affiliated with Power Rangers. Or Park Ji Sung. The last fixture against RPR (nothing to do with Raipur Airport either; the airport in India with a similar IATA Code) was a hard fought victory, so nothing this time could be taken for granted. We would not want to embrace RPR to our bosom whilst casting our gaze over her shoulder firmly on East Moore, whilst she relieved us of our wallets. Loss at this stage would be a disaster. And so, with the importance of the match stamped on everyone's consciousness - AFC Fulham arrived in style at 12.15 prompt. Prompt meaning in dribs and drabs any time from 12.15 to 12.45. But, with a dry pitch, a low breeze and a warm day, there was an air of expectation that destiny would ensure we would meet East Moore on an equal footing. It was only, therefore, a small and temporary distraction when Ali rocked up with a vanity case on wheels; Avon Lady calling, or fresh from trolley dolly duty on flight AA153 straight in from Detroit? We can't be sure. What we can be sure of is that this short interlude was briskly followed by an altogether more disturbing and enduring image: Orange Martha. However, she soon reassured the group that she had not been tango'd en route from Clapham South, only that Cavendish Road is a sun trap. Apparently. That, or a haven for jaundice-inducing groceries. Until this has been fully investigated I suggest people do not food shop in that vicinity. Mass retreat to the murky changing rooms to escape the Mordecai glare saw the team change almost perfectly; only three times did two people try to exit wearing the same number. Which perhaps would not have been so unsettling if on two occasions it wasn't the number 1. Meanwhile Robert was regaling, helpfully, tales of Pugs with shit hanging out of their arses. Presumably, this was to be a secret new tactic to be rolled out in the match. Having established that pitch 2 is not pitch 3, and we were playing on pitch 3. And not pitch 2, (which saw the nets go up then down, then up then down - think a poor man's "wax on wax off", only without any actual benefit), the team pitched up ready for stretches and strains and the veritable Rob Moore tactical nuances. The team then began their regimented warm up religiously; drill after drill proficiently executed like an SAS crack squad; perfectly timed runs and twists, deftly performed star jumps and assiduous and synchronised stretching. Meanwhile, on the other half of the pitch, AFC Fulham looked like they were holidaying on a beach in Blackpool ready for a kick about before a donkey ride; "who's got the frickin' bibs? Where are the feckin' cones?" "Do we have a ruddy pump, these balls are flat as pancakes?" A smallish flattish collection of balls could be blamed for, quite frankly, a disastrous warm up, though it may have been Ali's pep talk, offered up at the changing rooms; "I'm worried, they're good. I think we'll lose." Well, quite. Thank you. Most helpful. Warm ups aside, kick off loomed large, almost as large as the burly number 9 playing on the adjacent pitch. Notwithstanding a generally promising first 15 minutes, which saw a wave of attacks on the RPR defence, a slight "oops a daisy" in the usually impenetrable AFC defence saw RPR take an early lead against the run of play. Ali, having hollered for the ball was in two minds as to whether to clear it or scoop it up and, in the ensuing melee, decided it was best therefore to do neither. The solitary RPR forward took full advantage and slotted home for a 1-0 lead. Unconfirmed reports suggest that Ali was distracted temporarily by a rare sighting of catdog, in the distance, with or without shit hanging out of its arse, it's not yet clear. AFC Fulham began to look haggard and panicked and the match quickly became a physical battle, rather than a pretty and composed affair. Gone was the "playing the ball into feet" tactic, as Fulham struggled to impose their natural game. A defensive line up from RPR only further frustrated the team. Mid-way through the first half Sharnette bravely leapt, salmon-like, to head a terrific defensive header and copped an elbow on the nose for her efforts. Battered and bruised, she emerged moments later like a phoenix from the flames, rejuvenated. She also inadvertently sparked an interesting post-match pub discussion on the pros and cons of using tampon-based products to solve nasal injuries. Pressure continued to mount on the RPR defence, but the final flurry was not to be found and AFC struggled to keep their composure. We had Tanya shouting at Martha, Martha shouting at Steph, Steph shouting at Sara and Sara shouting at the referee, earning herself a yellow card. The card was retracted later in the game - and was consequently in and out of the refs wallet more times than JT with Vanessa Paroncell in Wayne Bridges bed. The game moved towards half time with little change. Penetrating runs on both flanks from Jo and Sophie continued to apply the pressure and there were ample opportunities for a sustained onslaught, but it never quite materialised. Stern work at the back snuffed out any glimpse of an RPR attack. 1-0 at half time. The second half began much as the first finished. Lara and Tanya struggled against a gaggle of RPR defenders playing deep, with little space for imagination or attacking runs. Corners were plentiful and deftly delivered, but advantage was simply not taken. Sara, running like a woman possessed, possibly covered more miles than Paula Radcliffe in a marathon she could be bothered to finish. With little warning; on the 60 minute Princess Tanya launched forward and toe poked home a cracking, if slow, effort to equalise, as two RPR defenders appeared to be doing their very own impression of a Chuckle Brothers sketch, "to me to you" whilst ambling back towards their keeper in their own half. With fire in the bellies, Fulham looked rejuvenated - another goal would surely seal the turning tide? What was essential was that players remained calm and did not get over excited. Soon after, an over-excited Mordecai fizzed forward into the attacking half only to trip over her own feet, much to the relief of the bench, the manager and the team. With Lisa and Emily solid at the back, Fulham found some rhythm to their passing, but fatally played in to Mordecai on the left who ventured forward to take on an oncoming forward, only to actually set her up nicely and send her on her way back towards the Fulham goal. Is it me, or would a sat nav strapped to her inner thigh help to prevent such roaming incidents in future? We could have Rob shouting "Ere, what the feck you doin? Get back, get back" each time she trespassed into the attacking half. With barely 10 minutes left, a searing ball into Lara from Jo, saw her rotate on a 50pence piece and flick majestically over the keeper to make it 2-1 Fulham. A deserved lead, if not a consummate performance. With the final whistle blown, and a collective sigh of relief, a well deserved pint was in order. A few precious squad members were driven to the Frog in Lady Tanya's chauffer driven tour bus, whilst the injured Steph and inimitable Parnell (enviably merging the Haute couture with the chic, the catwalk with the high street, the purple with the fur) walked the epic journey by foot. Nothing short of a stellar performance will suffice against East Moore, but sometimes the tightest of matches are more demonstrative of a team's character. We're almost there ladies. Believe. And let's make Fulham believe too. Many thanks to Aimee and Vic for their commitment and support and to Rob for his words, his tourniquets and his canine tales. Bring on 18 April. ********************************** AFC Fulham Belles v Old Actonians - Venue - the African Savannah/Clapham Common A landmark day in the illustrious history of the club.  Today's victory saw the team seal their promotion making it mathematically impossible for the chasing pack of....urm...Regent Park Rangers to close the gap. It would be fair to say that the Belles did not really hit their stride in the match bar some brief passages of nice play, and it was clear that ane enforced break had left the players a bit rusty.  Other reasons propounded for the disjointed play were the breezy condtitions, or the dry tundra that constituted the pitch.  This writer has another theory.  And its known as Cat-dog.  For just as the match was kicking off, a squat little creature so unnatural waddled along the touchline, which elicited gasps of dismay and horror from those who had the misfortune to lay their eyes on it.  It had the body of a dog that much is true, however where the head should be appeared to be disproportionately shrunken.  Yes, thats right it had a cat's head.  No-one should have to see that.  No-one.......  Anyway I digress.  Lets wind the clock back to the warm up.  Rob was keen to remind the squad about the moves he wanted to see during the match so proposed a walk-through before the warm up proper.  Unfortunately news had just reached the squad that Tanya's private jet had failed to get clearance to land from ground control and she was currently circling Heathrow.  The real blow came when it was confirmed that Steph would be filling the Barnard role in the team.  A feeling of unease was tangible among the team, as this prompted many questions:  would Pelling reprise her reading of the position and play top right hand corner (which prior to 2010 was not a known position)?  Would Rob be able to teach her the off side rule in the hour before the match? Any fears were momentarily forgotten about when the walk through began.  It was all flooding back to the Belles, play to Tanya's feet (or in this case Pelling's) etc etc.  Everyone was feeling much more positive until for some reason Steph on receiveing the ball simply fell over.  Nothing.  Was this a sign of things to come.  Rob could be seen trying to desperately radio Tanya's pilot to get an update on progress, mopping his fevered brow.  Ali helpfully suggested that when assembling her garish boots purchased from Ikeya she may have either a) read the instructions wrong, or b) omitted a screw. After this, Frank, who is actually suspected as a saboteur from East Moore after his actions today, went off to knacker three of the team by making them sprint repeatedly for some alleged FA badge drill.  This coupled with mocking a certain member of the backline mercilessly throughtout the match confirmed that he is indeed fighting for the'dark side'.  Questions need to be asked. The warm up was in full progress when a confused elderly gentleman wandered on to our pitch.  On approaching him to offer help and to try and locate his carer, it became apparent that this was in fact today's referee. There are younger fossils that have been discovered, and coupled with a visible knee support indicating an injury, any fears about Steph observing the off side rule fell away - I mean he would not be able to see it from the other end of the pitch anyway. Kick off, and Old Actonians kicked off  proceedings wearing their traditional colours of puke.  There was no doubt who was in control with Fulham having several chances early on and testing the OA keeper.  The passing was a bit laboured from the Belles and the team was finding a goal hard to come by.  Things atrated to go a little flat and there was an absence of inspiration on the pitch. That was until Sara "Braveheart" Lopez singlehandedly picked up the game by the scruff of its neck, kicked it in the balls a couple of times, and took things into her own hands.  With a rallying cry to arms, she picked up the ball on the edge of the area and drove into the box before slotting the ball into the back of the OA net.  Relief all round for the Belles.  After that there were mor positive moves from the Belles.  Some good work on the iwngs from Sophie and Fi was causing no end of problems for the OA defence.  Lara was a menacing presence as ever and had a couple of chances well saved by the OA keeper. A precious second goal was proving hard to come by until Jo, with a brilliant piece of individual skill, shifted the ball on the edge of the area onto her other foot, wrong footing the defender, and swept a curling shot past the diving keeper.  2-0 and the Belles were well and truly in the driving seat. A slightly nervous moment when a certain member of the backline severely undercooked a back pass to Alli which resulted into her having to power off her line to meet the ball (just over the half way line)  No  doubt this taks was made all the more harder by Frank's boot camp prior to kick off.  However Alli (as was the case throughout the match) executed a brilliant kick upfield, instantly eradictaing the danger, and thanking the unamed defender profusely for the opportunity to save the team from a certain disaster. Half time and the ref spent the entire 15 mins bending down to pick up his thermos.  No-one knows whether he in fact got an opportunity to sample its contents. The second half began with more of the same.  A great move involving Garnier adnd Fi, ended with Fi laying a great ball into the box which Steph met with all the power of a 5 year old.  With a cold. With possible malnourishment.  After two minutes the ball  dribbled into the keepers arms and play continued. The second half saw some kamikaze defending which meant that in effect Lisa and Clare had to mark Garnier and Mordecai.   For some reason, perhaps a sense of altruism both seemed intent on heading the ball over the heads of their own back line.  You could see that Lisa and Clare hugely enjoyed having to back peddle furiously as they were being sabotaged by their own team mates.  Good times. A ripple of excitment ran through the crowd.....what could it be?  Tanya had arrived (not by the beginning of the second half - £10 please Rob) and took to the pitch in place of Pelling, who had done a good job in holding up the ball following the worrying stumble in the warm up and had had a couple of decent shots on goal saved.   Polly and Ida also came on to join the fray in place of Garnier and Soph respectively. Tanya and Lara both got on the score sheet following a peristant assault on the OA goal putting the result beyond doubt.  Despite the defence's best efforts (a notable missed header and handball combo which is becoming a bit of a trademark move springs to  mind for some reason) a clean sheet was kept up to the final whistle. So the goal of promotion had been acheived - what a turnaround from last season in which the club narrowly avoided relegation.  Thanks goes to Aimee and the rest of the excutive and Rob, Frank and Jon for making this possible.  Regents Park Rangers next weekend will be crucial in deciding which team walks away with the title. Right this writer is off to Clapham Common to snare Cat-dog, spray him purple and make him the Belles official mascot.  East Moore v AFC Fulham Belles - 21 February 2010 Venue - undetermined/none The day had finally come......and it was possibly inevitable that the meeting of the top of the table rivals in Division 3 South would be marred by controversy.  Having arrived at the ground in Homerton, it was all too apparent that things were not all as they should be.  Below is the real time account of the tension filled enounter as it happened: 10:00am - Lisa arrives slightly before the 12.50pm planned arrival time, having set off from Crouch End late on Friday evening.  She will never assume that what TFL estimates as a journey time as being correct again .......as discussed on the day - to assume makes an ass of u and me. 12:30pm-12:50pm - the Belles start to arrive.  Due to the pitches being constructed in the style of teletubby hill there are several entrances and it is not clear at all which is the correct one.  Alli has new gloves.  They are new and have finger reinforcements.  She is very excited about this. 12:55pm - For reasons known only to herself Steph is currrently on a bus to Hackney Central.  As is Martha, having been falsely comforted by the fact that Steph lives in Stratford and knows the area.  It will later be etsbalished that Stratford is 2mins tube journey to Leyton which is 20 mins walk from the ground.  The wait for the bus was 30 mins alone. 1:00pm the more intelligent of the Belles have been present at the ground for some 10 mins.  Lisa has been there for hours and has completed 4 sudokus and a novel.  There is general concern when the groundsman confirms that East Moore not booked a pitch.  It is generally considered good practice for the home team to book a pitch to play on as playing in a carpark does not really work.  Alli tells the team more about her new gloves - they are red and white. 1:10pm confusion reigns.  Steph and Martha have comandeered a black cab in what must be the most needlessly protracted journey in the history of the world.  East Moore are adamant they have booked a $%£$%ing pitch.  Peace talks are in the hands of Garnier, which sparks a general sense of uneasiness amongst the team. 1:17pm Jon, Lucy and Sophie locate one entrance of the ground.  It is the wrong one.  They spot Steph and Martha getting out of a cab, and offer them a lift.  Jon proceeds to drive to a housing estate in Homerton supposedly looking for the correct changing rooms.  All in the car have suspicions that he could be working undercover for East Moore. 1:20pm the Elwood contingent arrive at the changing rooms and the mood is tense.  The Belles have been stranded in a car park now for some half an hour.    Lisa has been there for 4 hours.  East Moore's manager is adamant they have booked the pitch. 1:22pm on the basis that the pitch hs been booked, Rob instructs his team to get ready.  On venturing into the complex of circa 30 empty changing rooms the Belles are informed that none of them can be used as East Moore have not booked the pitch.  Tanya is asking where her rider is and for reassurance that all of the green M&Ms will have been removed before being placed in a gold plated serving bowl. 1:30pm the situation deteriorates quickly.  With nowhere to change and only two car back seats as an option, using the universal equation of 2 girls per car at a rate of 8.7 minutes per undress and change,  it is looking like the Belles will be changed and ready to play by Tuesday. 1:35pm  The mood sours.  Tanya's cage of ten white doves which were to be released on the scoring of her first goal have not been delivered and quite frankly she cannot work in these conditons.  There are a few tense exchanges in the carpark which involve East Moore saying they have booked a pitch and Fulham Belles trying to explain that they have been told that the game will be stopped if it is played.  Sharnette requests that the East Moore captain talks to her hand.  This request falls on deaf ears. 1:36pm-1:50pm the same conversation is repeated 26 times.  Meanwhile East Moore have been warming up on a pitch  some 3.5 miles away. 1:55pm - the Belles decide to take the matter in hand and have a team meeting.  A decision has to made.  The impression of team unity is slightly compromised by three Belles beginning a rigourous warm up on the adjacent pitch complete with cones and bibs.  The rest of the team ask them to stop and partake in the team decision.  2:00pm - a decision is made.  Tanya is adamant that in the absence of doves, evian water chilled to a temperatre of 23 degrees and confectionary which has been sorted according to colour that she is not going to play.  The rest of the Belles are in consensus, Lisa having lost feeling in her lower legs due to exposure and it is decided that this long anticipated clash will not go ahead which is disappointing.  2:05pm  a quarter of the Belles team are escorted to their car enthusiatically by some of the oppo who seem eager to make sure the hospitality offered to date continues right up to departure. 2:15pm The Coach and Horses in Leyton plays host to a full debrief and a Sunday afternoon is rescued by a well attended drink to discuss the traumatic events of the morning.  Steph celebrates by wondering around the pub in her socks.  The locasl don't bat an eyelid.  Tanya destroys everyone at pool.  2:30pm After 20 mins of perambulating Hackney Marshes and mistaking at least 2 mens teams for her teammates of some 2 years, Vicky realises that the Belles are not playing. 2:45pm - Vicky arives at the pub. 3:00pm - the text to Vicky informing her that the match is off is received. Thanks to Jon, Rob, Frank, Dan and Papa G for their support on the morning.  All in all a disappointing anti-climax but one that was beyond the control of the Belles.  Still, there is consolation in the fact that the biggest match of the season so far takes place this weekend! ps with thanks to Tanya "Whitney Mariah J-Lo" Barnard for being a good sport in light of the above (please do not nutmeg me at training next week). Merton v AFC Fulham - 14 February 2010 Joseph Hood Recreation Ground AFC Fulham Belles is a team full to the brim with pretty ladies.  The less pretty ones were all free on St Valentine's Day and embarked on a long and treacherous journey south, beyond Middle Earth, all the way to MORDEN.  A slimmer squad of 11 arrived at the JHRC to face bottom of the league Merton with an entourage of THREE (3) coaches - that's an average of 1 coach for every 3.8 players.  The wintry weather and lumpy pitch played only a cameo role in what was an epic oscar-winning Belles performance.  Fructis Garnier, not a split end in sight, taking time out from a Super Mario marathon, wore the proverbial captain's arm band and led her troops on a tough warm up exercise.  This consisted of two laps of the children's 5-a-side pitch, before rousing team spirit with a Churchillian call to arms; cries of "I'm like a bullet, me" "good football", "here's a pony, go and get yourself somfink niiice, yeah" and "anyone want to buy a used car?" reverberated around the collosseum at the Joseph Hood Recreation Ground and the oppostion could not fail to be intimidated/concerned/confused.  It is acknowledged that before kick off the Belles appeared somewhat a rabble....warm up apparel was rich and varied - a leather jacket, a flashers over coat and some neon pink striped gloves were just some of the eclectic offerings on display.  However Rob took control of the situation ordering everyone to strip off and line up prior to announcing his preferred positions.  Afterwards he read out the team sheet.  Once Steph had put on her shorts properly, the Belles were ready to roll. No sooner had the referee brushed his lips with the whistle, the Belles exploded from the blocks, arms pumping, buttocks clenched, chests thrust forward, taking an early lead within minutes. From then on it was one way traffic.  Tanya and Lara proved too much for the Merton's backline, and the goals were flying in following an impressive volley of through balls from midfield.  Expansive passing down the flanks, and with Sophie's blistering pace and Lucy's backline penetration, it was always going to be a handful for a team with just 10 (wo)men.  Finally the Belles were puttting into practice the Robert Moore Philosophy of "playing to feet and laying it up" which ran a beleagured Merton ragged. Merton's goalkeeper pulled out some terrific stops to deny several efforts and stem the onslaught from the Belles, and it was down to her efforts that the scoreline remained semi respectable at half time.  At the other end, Belles's keeper Ali was reduced to a walk-on role, as the backline soaked up any recalcitrant Merton attacks, however was reliable as ever when called upon.  Martha only tobed once, a searing missile aimed straight at Frank, which thankfully missed the poor sod (another Belle was to feel the full brute force of a Mordecai "special" in the second half, taking one to the ribs), and Vic's decision to play in roller skates only added to the drama, as Sharnette steadied the ship. Steph unfortunately had to retire due to injury in the second half.  However the job was mostly done by this point, and Ange was more than able to cope in the central midfield. The second half bought more of the same, with some fluid passing leading to more goals, and resulting in a 15-0 scoreline at full time.  Next week is the top of the table clash with East Moore, and on this form it should be a tight affair. Thanks go to Merton for playing the game in good spirit, and ensuring the match was competitve throughout.  Fittingly, the captain probably deserved the accolade of being the Belles best player on the day. Thanks also to Rob, Frank and Jon for their continued and much appreciated coaching support.